Q: If you have a bad lawyer, why not get a new one? A: Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titanic. Q: What’s the difference between a shame and a pity? A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

Postal Service Goof The Postal Service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Guy walking on Beach finds old Lamp....gives it a rub and out pops a Genie. She tells him he can have 3 wishes for releasing her...but...for every wish she grants she has to give his most disliked people TWICE what he gets. So he nominates Lawyers as his most despised people and asks for a beautiful Mansion, which she grants. He then asks for a Million$, which she gives. He thinks a while then says he would like to make a Kidney donation.

Oh that's HILARIOUS!!  All those Reliants going into a corner!  My brother actually had one or two of those in England and Wales over the years!  Once his starter was bad for more than a year!  He did "skateboard starts" all over the place!  They've probably become a cult classic, but at the time you couldn't GIVE them away! Even running!  ....Well, one had a worn out rubber band from too many wheelies!

LOL that was good!! Jonathan

Lawyers hmmm.

Okay.

Lady goes to the gynecologist, tells him she's getting ready to be married for the fourth time. Wants to make sure everything is in order.

Doctor begins his exam, promptly stops.

Didn't you tell me you've been married 3 times ???

Yes the woman tells him, why ?

I don't understand ? You appear to be a virgin ! How can this be  ???

Well, my first husband was a psychologist, all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My second husband was a contractor, said he'd get around to it some day.

3rd husband was a photographer, always wanted to look at it, never got the right light.

Wow, that's some story the doctor tells her.

But after all this what are your concerns now  he asks her.

Well I'm marrying a lawyer, I know I'm getting screwed !!!!

 

What do you call 1000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea  ???

 

A good start.

All that sounds like the beginnings of a good stand-up comic routine.

Oh come on Jem!! This will cheer you up

Don't put down lawyers, the bad 99% just give the rest a bad name.

Oh very good!!  Unfortunately, the only jokes I've had from customers lately probably can't be repeated without offending various ethnic groups! Aren't we a funny species?  We like to laugh at ourselves, make fun of our differences and similarities, then get offended over it! 

Any lawyer jokes? Most think it's OK to offend them! They spoil so many fun things in the western world....

A car was parked late one night on a lonely lovers lane type road. The girl was in the back seat working a cross stitch project. The boy was in the front seat reading a book.

As luck would have it, a police car stopped by to inquire. The officer said; "What is she doing in the back seat?" The young boy said she was doing her cross stitch.

Then the officer said; "and what are you doing?' He replied; " I'm just reading"

The officer then asked; "How old is the girl?".. The boy looked at his watch and said " She'll be eighteen in about fifteen minutes"

LOL !!! Good one Dimitris !!

oldie but goldie

 

Two men walk into a bar, one wearing a cowboy hat and the other wearing a Yankees cap. The guy in the Yankees cap approaches the bartender and make a bet: "I'll bet you $1,000 that I can put a shot glass at one end of your bar and piss into it from the other end of the bar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laughs and says, "You're crazy, but you're on."

The man positions a shot glass on one end, walks to the other end and unzips his fly. He then pisses everywhere -- all over the walls, over the bar top, all over the bottles of booze, and all over the bartender. The bartender roars with laughter and tells the man to pay up.

The guy in the Yankees cap pays up, laughing and smiling, too.

"What are you smiling at?" asks the bartender. "You just lost $1,000!"

"Well, you see that guy in the cowboy hat over there crying? Before we came in, I bet him $10,000 that I could piss all over your bar, your walls, your liquor AND you, and not only would you not be mad -- you would laugh hysterically about it!"